Searching for Surrender

How does one know
When to keep fighting
When to accept
How to discern the difference between
What’s truly life limiting
And the need to keep pushing
How to keep going
In the face of indescribable exhaustion
Wanting understanding from loved ones
Yet still striving for personal clarity
Life is the question
Ultimately death will be the answer
Meanwhile struggling to learn how
To surrender to the now

Tricia 7/2014

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on July 31, 2014, in Poems. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. It must be hard, but don’t give up just yet, Tricia …

    • Louise, it’s more about acceptance of what is rather than giving up. Having said that, I am filling in all the forms and have appointed a friend as my Enduring Medical Power of Attorney. I could go on for a few more years yet, but if anything does happen I want no intervention. I value quality of life over length. I fear living with zero independence far more than I fear death.
      Now this happy this spreader of joy is off to have a glass of wine and watch a Compass episode about funerals. 🙂 xx

  2. “Struggling to learn how to surrender to rhe now” – what powerful words Tricia which reaonate deeply within me.
    Dont forget among all of the struggles how much you are loved and what a huge positive impact your input has on others’ lives. I love you my precious friend, a lot ❤️ Xxx

    • Darling Christine, I knew you would understand those words. I’m so very tired but I’m trying to surrender to the reality of my weariness. Not give up, just accept.

      I love your dearly and am grateful for your loving friendship.
      Take care
      Tricia ❤ xx

  3. This is beautiful and heart-wrenching, dear friend. I just want you to know that you have been a lifeline for me in the last year and a half. Just knowing you’re out there some days makes surviving the pain of so much loss a little more bearable. You are so, so loved. xoxo

    • My precious Timaree, your loving support means more than I can express. That you find it in your heart to give such unconditional love in the midst of all your pain is everything. That lifeline is a two way thing. I love you so very much. xxx

  4. Take care my friend.

  5. This really made me think. When I think of you, I think of someone with great strength and capacity to go on. But I appreciate it must be very hard. Xx

    • Pooky, I’m becoming very weary, and I’m finding it hard to access inner strength when my physical being just wants to fall in a heap. Since the break-in in the unit beside me, the police have told me I mustn’t leave the door unlocked for my carers. Some mornings I could weep at the effort required for me to get out of my chair and answer the door.

      You’ll notice I’m not visiting your blog as often. It’s not because I’m no longer interested, it’s because I’m so tired and it’s an effort for me to give a worthwhile comment. I’m working on surrender, not to death but to the reality of my life. I’m also trying to focus on gratitude. That one is a constant work in progress. 🙂

      • Oh Tricia, that sounds awful for you. I’m sorry you no longer feel safe with unlocked doors when answering is such a stretch.

        Have you considered a key safe? Social services fitted one for my grandfather in case he ever falls at home and calls for help (he has an alarm round his neck) so they wouldn’t need to break the door down.

        I’m sorry it’s so difficult just now. It sounds like you are feeling your way to a new way of being. I hope once you’ve found it, you’ll have a little respite. I recall this pattern occurring I’m the past?

        Big hugs, I love you lots and lots xxx

      • Pooky, the nurse came the other week to see how I was going and she asked me where my emergency button was. I replied – in the emergency but shop. 🙂 She’s a lovely woman and returned this week to fill in the forms for my button thingy, and with that I’ll get a key safe. However I don’t want everyone at the council to have the combination. It’s fine when I have my regular carers but if they’re sick or on holidays people come that I don’t know. Also the key safe is meant to be for an emergency.

        As for the ‘recurring pattern’, I do have times when my energy waxes and wanes, that’s part of my illness. Also part of my chronic illness is a slow, ongoing deterioration. Each time I go through one of these “patterns” there is a little less of me, if that makes sense. I’m never going to get better. It’s ultimately psychologically better for me to come to terms with this; it would also make my life easier if others could understand and accept this.

        Thanks for your caring words, Pooks
        Much love
        Tricia xx

      • I think the button and the key safe will be a help. It’s easy to change the code if you ever feel a need to. If you have some regular Carers you trust, I see no harm in letting them know the code.

        We have one (the lady who lived in the house before us was very unwell) it’s brilliant. I never carry keys and if I’ve asked someone to check in on the animals or something, it seems much safer than leaving a key under the mat…

        I understand that your illness means that you have to keep adjusting to new ways of being. Each time a little harder. It must be difficult to come to terms with – though I’m sure that, as you say, if you can find a way to do so then you stand yourself in better stead.

        Your iPad will continue to offer a window to the world. I hope that is a comfort.

        I wish I wasn’t so far away. I would love to come and share stories with you and Big Ted xx

      • Dear Pooky
        Me and Big Ted are snuggled in bed about to settle into sleep when my phone just gave a little ping. (The machine that goes ping) 🙂 It’s lovely to read your words just before I sleep.
        It would be bliss if you lived near by, but if we can’t have that I’m so pleased we have this contact.
        Nite nite
        Tricia. xx

      • Sleep well my darling and give Big Ted a snuggle from me xxx

  6. Tricia, the last two lines say it all – I think a struggle for many of us. You inspire me with the strength you’ve portrayed with your beautiful and poignant poetry. (Am hoping to catch up soon with reading it all.) Thank you for sharing them all.

    • Thanks so much, Betty. Your words mean a lot. I’m so pleased you saw the value of the last two lines. I know you have your health struggles too.

      I sometimes write my way into an issue I’m struggling with, and if I’m lucky I write my way to an answer. Of course more often than not I write my way into a new question. 🙂

  7. Dearest Tricia, these words mirror my own life at the moment. I think it is the “surrendering to the now” and accepting it, that is bringing the most clarity and help through these difficult times. Take care and I send you my love. xx

    • My dear Peter, I’m a poor excuse for a friend at the moment. I am sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your comment. August is the worst of months for me, but then May, July, and September suck too. Between birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day, father’s day, then the big one, Christmas day…
      As you can see I’m having a bit of trouble with my struggle to “surrender to the now”. 🙂 I think of you often, and even though I’m not commenting much at present, your words are inspirational for me.
      Take care
      Much love
      Tricia. xx

  8. Dear Tricia,
    I take no offence at the time for reply, on my own blog I see the comments whizzing by, and the energy it takes to commit to each one, so often does not exist leaving me feeling glum.

    I read your poem again and was struck by how relevant and poignant they are still to me today, as I struggle with my inability to do anything more than sleep through the warmth and sunshine that is outside.

    Thankyou for your support and I do appreciate the times you are able to drop by. You are in my thoughts often, giving understanding and support when I need it most. Such is the power of your words which I thank you again for sharing.

    A big hug and love xx

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