Replacing ‘Christmas Eve’


Replacing ‘Christmas Eve’

There was a poem/journal entry here that I needed to let go of. I’ve decided to replace it with this wonderful quote from, Neil Gaiman:-

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever. ”

Neil Gaiman

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on December 26, 2013, in Poems. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Hard to write, no doubt, but very, very well put. I relate. Bitterness is a sticky thing. At some point, I know, we all have to put things behind us or we go down with it. But it’s hard, if not impossible, to forget some things. It’s so easy for people to say, ‘Stop being bitter’, ‘Put it behind you’, ‘Move on…’, when they’re really meaning, ‘I don’t want to listen anymore.’

    Thinking of you. x

    • Louise, this was so hard. It came from my mother-in-law, a woman I’d told on several occasions, she was more of a mother to me than my own.
      When I rang her on Christmas Eve she told me she didn’t want to speak to me and hung up the phone as I was trying to talk. I know you’ll understand how devastating this was. She must have then rung her daughter who rang me. I asked if there was any dementia, but no. I guess I knew deep down that Rod’s family didn’t think of me in the way I had thought of them. They’ve visited me once in the 4 plus years since his death, think my chronic illness is hypochondria, don’t understand I can no longer drive the distance to visit. and do not like the way I openly grieve. So there ya go. They were good to me when Rod was alive, and in the immediate aftermath of his death, but since then….
      Each time the sorrow for this comes up I shall focus on my wonderful brother and sister, my precious nieces and nephews and the rest of my family and friends. I have so much more love than they’ll ever understand.
      Thanks for being such a valued, understanding presence on my blog, Louise.
      Tricia xx

  2. Good piece Tricia. Very well done.

  3. Saw this Tricia and felt terrible pain! Xxx

    • Thank you dear Anni. I was stunned and devastated, but writing helps me so much.
      I rang my mother-in-law on Christmas Eve and she told me she didn’t want to speak to me any more and hung up on me. Her daughter rang me, I asked if there was any dementa, but no…
      You and I both know there are things in life we just can’t comprehend. I’m never again going to put myself in a position where she can hurt me. I will focus on my wonderful loving family and friends, and be thankful for all the joy they bring to my life.
      Take care my friend
      Hugs Tricia xx

  4. Raw feelings
    Situations stealing
    The light from life
    Wanting peace from strife.
    xo

    • Thanks for this, Peter. I’m so grateful I have the ability to write my way into the hurt. I refuse to allow anyone to diminish my hard won peace. I wept for a day, and am now working at accepting what is.
      Take care. I’m thinking of you and your recent loss
      Hugs Tricia

      • Stand your ground Tricia, and battle through as you know how. Thankyou for your kind thoughts also. It is a difficult time, with moments in the day I suddenly feel lost, through the loss. And shouldering the responsibility for organising is tiring even though my oldest brother is also assisting and making calls.

  5. I am so sorry, Tricia. I honestly can’t imagine the cruelty, short of some form of bitterness that has settled into your mother-in-law because of her own grief. It’s painful, even if you can come up with some reasonable rationalizations. Your “accepting what is” and writing your grief is undoubtedly very hard for many to understand. But you are so right to realize your own survival is what’s most important and understanding your own needs and requirements is ultimately the top priority. I am so glad you have a strong grasp on what it means to “let go” and not hold onto feelings that could so easily turn sour. oxo Debra

    • Dear Debra,
      Thanks so much for your understanding comment. In truth, I think this should have been written in my journal rather than posted on my blog, although the process has been therapeutic for me, and the support has helped.
      I’ve now reached a place where I’m ready to let it go, and accept the reality instead of the fairytale I’ve lived with for so many years. I’ve one more comment response to make here, I’ll leave it up for a couple more days to ensure everyone receives a response, then I shall delete it. I don’t want want any aftertaste of bitterness hanging around.
      Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
      Hugs
      Tricia xx

  6. Gosh Tricia, this one really upset me. Writing your way into the hurt describes perfectly how you crafted this poem.

    And your last stanza summed it all up beautifully. But none of it is an easy ride.

    I am still clinging to a masive 30 year old hurt. Try as I may, and I have done, very very hard, to let it go, put all sorts of strategies into play to help me along, but here it is, the ugly thing, stuck like a limpet and determined to see me out.

    Love you lots and lots
    xxx❤xxx

    • My dear Christine, please don’t be sad any longer. This experience, although it hurt at the time, has been very positive for me. I realise I’ve been living an imaginary relationship with most members of Rod’s family. They’re nice people but we are very different in so many ways, and this experience has helped me to see the truth of this. It’s not right or wrong, it just is.

      Rod loved and understood me, just as I loved and understood him. We had a wonderful life together – that’s what’s important. We taught each other so much, we lived, loved and revelled in our differences. We had a son we loved dearly, we had our troubles as people do, but we always had each other. Rod lives on in my memory, not in his family. I’ll always be grateful to his mother for bringing him into the world. But now it’s time to draw a line in the sand of our relationship. I’ll never be the person they want me to be and I’m too tired to keep trying. Most importantly I’m now ok with this. There’s no malice in my heart, just acceptence.

      I think Rod and Ken would be very proud of me. 🙂

      I’ll leave the heading of the poem up but delete the content, because I need to let it go now.

      Love you to pieces my dear friend.
      Take care of yourself, and thank you for always being there for me.
      Hugs
      Tricia ❤ xoxo

  7. You continue to inspire me Tricia, poetically and life(ly)-made up word.
    I love how you love who you are

    Big hugs ❤

    • As you continue to inspire me my dear friend. I’m so grateful we found each other. I love your word life(ly). 🙂
      I must admit I’ve battled a bit with self doubt recently, but with help I’m winning the battle.
      Love you to pieces. xxx

  8. These are wonderful words to live by.

    I’m amazed and proud that you are letting go of the bitter pain of Christmas Eve. I have thought back to your experience that day many, many times and have yet to make sense of it. Like you, I’m not sure there is any sense in trying.

    You are loved by others. Myself included. Let’s go make some mistakes… xxxx

    • I love the quote, Pooky. As for the initial piece I wrote, it’s disappeared into the ether as a result of my iPad issues. Maybe that’s where it belongs.
      I made my first mistake for the year on New Years Day, so I guess one could say I’m on track. 🙂 xx

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