Monthly Archives: July 2013

Mirroring

Mirroring

‘I love what you say as it mirrors closely my exact sentiments.’ he wrote.
‘p s why does he look so miserable?’ she wrote.
Both these comments are staying with me
Stirring the pot of my subconscious

I don’t know the writer of the first comment
He writes a blog I occasionally follow
I disagreed with something he wrote
He responded politely
Questioning a couple of words I’d used
Sadly
When I returned to the blog
He’d altered his response
Omitting any sense of question
His questioning helped me to understand
My words may have been better received
If I’d put more thought into them

His above comment
Part of a response to another
I sense is staying with me because
I feel the exact opposite
I ‘love what you say as it’
Challenges my preconceptions.

The second comment came from a friend
In response to a photo of one of my many bears
My friend and I discussed our reactions to
The bear with the very sad face
We found common ground
This bear is very special to me because
Sorrow is a normal part of life
Therefore there is a place
For sad faced Teddy Bears
They can be a valuable resource
To see our sorrow reflected
Can be comforting and validating

Mirror
Source of
Multifaceted
Reflections

Tricia 7/2013

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The Roads of Grief Have No GPS

The Roads of Grief Have No GPS

This is a little different from my normal blog posts, but the heart of the piece is possibly more about ‘writing the roads of grief’ than any of my previous posts.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a two day workshop presented by, Robert A. Neimeyer, PhD, titled
TECHNIQUES OF GRIEF THERAPY:
Creative Practices for Counselling the Bereaved

Much ground was covered over the two days. A couple of stand outs for me were watching videos of actual clinical sessions, noticing when certain words or observations caused the person to retreat or even shut down. Also noticing when they lit up with love, when encouraged to share photos and stories of the person whose death they mourned. When we use the name and acknowledge the value of the life of the one who has died, we give a gift beyond words. Because we all grieve differently, it’s important to allow the person who is grieving to take the lead. There is no ‘one size fits all’ when dealing with bereavement.

I knew these things from my own experience of grief, but to see them from the other side was both powerful and empowering. It encouraged me to have confidence in the value of my grief experience as a tool when working with others.

The most important part of the workshop for me was the writing section.
For one of the exercises we were given a group of words:
– traumatic loss, empty house, crying child, animal, mountain, sunrise.
– 8 minutes writing time
– and then instructed to give our piece a title that contained a verb
The following is my 8 minute write (The only thing I’ve changed is the spacing) I’m itching to edit this piece but feel it’s important to show precisely what can be accomplished in 8 minutes.

To Listen Silently is Everything

He is dead, he is dead,
I cried to the rising sun.

I could recall vividly
his first cry
as he came forth from my womb
26 years ago.
My grief was higher than Everest,
but my memories, ah my memories.
They were more beautiful
than the view
from the highest mountain.

His love for his dog, Digbee,
the way he would come home from school,
sit on the back deck
and share his day with his dog.

I would ask ‘How was your day?’
‘OK’ he’d reply.
And to my ‘What did you do?’
his response would be
‘Not much.’

He saved his stories for
his dog,
the perfect listener.

Home would never be the same
again.

Tricia 7/2013

(The one thing that surprised me in the above piece is that it’s 40 years since my son’s birth. I sense I wrote it was 26 years since his birth because he was 26 when he died.)

This was a special experience for me both for the precious memory it evoked, and for the valuable insight it gave me for future writer’s workshops. To give people too many choices can be stultifying. Bob’s very specific instructions had my pen racing over the paper. No time was wasted in getting lost in deciding what to write about. One thing I do know is that decision making can be difficult for the bereaved, and so this simple set of instructions was far more valuable than the page of choices I’d previously given people.

This is the third of Bob’s workshops I’ve attended. I also attended the 8th International Conference on Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society where, Bob, was a keynote speaker, presenter and panelist.
The following is the link to Bob’s website where you can see the full scope of his work, including some of his poems, and the artwork that accompanies them.
http://tinyurl.com/neimeyer

Bob’s work and words found a home in me the first time I heard him speak about grief. He, and my grief psychologist, inspired me to do something with the bag of grief that I’d been lugging around since the suicide of my son, Ken. Bob, was my long distance mentor in the creation of my first writer’s workshop, even encouraged me to document my work and submit my findings re participants progress, to Death Studies, a peer reviewed journal. But sadly, my precious husband, Rod, collapsed and died in my arms before my workshops had gained momentum. I needed time and space to come to terms with this second traumatic death.

Also, with the death of my husband, I was confronted with the reality of my chronic illness. My husband had cared for me in such a way that I’d not realised how much my health issues limited my ability to do many things. Added to this I had a year long battle with the, Victorian Institute of Forensic Medicine (VIFM), over errors in my husband’s initial autopsy report. My grief was once again, ‘complicated’.
http://www.complicatedgrief.org/bereavement/

The roads of grief are different for everyone. My husband and I both grieved the loss of our only child, but we lived that grief differently. It was important for our relationship that we gave each other the time and space to grieve individually.

Now, thanks to good therapy, hard work, loving extended family and friends, lots of writing, and the help, encouragement and support of some who shall remain nameless, I’m ready to move on with my life. I will always grieve the loss of my son and husband, but my grief is now a gentle companion.

I reconfigured and recommenced my writer’s workshops at the end of last year. They will be refined again as a result of my experience of this latest workshop. And while my health permits, I will do what I can to accompany others along their roads of grief, be it health related grief, grieving the death of a loved one, or one of many other grief issues. One thing life has taught me is, death doesn’t own grief.

Tricia 24/7/2013

A Letter Undelivered

A Letter Undelivered

In the early hours of tomorrow
It will be four years
Since you gently squeezed my hand
For the last time
I held you as your final breath
Softly sighed farewell

I still love you
Will always be your wife
You’d smile if you could see me
Refuse to tick the ‘widow box’
You’d be proud
I’ll not let death define me
You’d feel for the form checkers
Who don’t know my determination
I’m sometimes sad
Yet full of joy
For the life we shared

Yes we suffered
Terribly
When Ken ended his life
Yet we somehow survived
The not wanting to survive
Our love allowed us acceptance
Of the individuality of grief
Stepping away
Coming together
As we each dealt with the death
Of our only child

Our final years together
Were wonderful
Laughter lost was rediscovered
Life together
Cherished deeply
We’d learnt how quickly
Life can end
Spoke openly about
One of us
Being left alone

But my darling
I’m never alone
You and Ken are still
The pivotal absent presence
In my life
Memories a soft blanket
I wrap myself in
As I move in and out of sorrow

I live
Love
Laugh
Surrounded by family and friends
Moving on with life
Fighting the frustrations of my body
Savouring my moments of solitude
Writing
Always writing

When the missing of you is an ache
Music becomes my memory
And I’m ok my love
I’m OK

Tricia 13/7/2013

Sunset Friday July 5th

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I have so many beautiful sunset photos from this week it was difficult to select one.
It’s almost sunset time again, but the afternoon is wet and overcast, so I decided to go with one of yesterdays. Enjoy.

View With A Room

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Daybreak from the window of my room at the Brighton Savoy. There was a strange colour in the sky this morning, before these magnificent pink and mauve hues appeared, that made the sand appear orange. It was breathtaking to watch.
I’m here for a week while they begin my bathroom conversion. I find the sea, hypnotic, as it gently caresses the sand, and am spending a large part of each day in reverie, just the sea and me, and, Simon Tedeschi, playing quietly in the background.