Twinkly Lights


Twinkly  Lights 

 
My discontent with the dark
Had returned
No bed for me
I can’t hold back the night
But I can refuse to sleep
In the too big
Empty softness
Place of our last laugh
Final silly cuddly conversation
 
I shut the drapes before
The coming of the ‘twinkly lights’
There shall be no night
Instead lamp light
Shining
On the dull days of 
My confused heart
Missing my husband my son my life
 
The pendulum of grief
Swings 
Back to previous pain
I don’t understand why
Exhausted reliving mourning’s mystery 
No energy left to try
To make sense of unwanted night
 
Endless gritty eyed days
Staggering
On swelling legs
Alcohol or lack of elevation
Who knows
Who cares
 
Resting in my chair
Holding my special bear
My iPad pings a message
The musical link broke me open
Jack Johnson – All At Once
 
“All at once
The world can overwhelm me
There’s almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind
 
.. it’s always all around you
And the feeling lost and found you again
A feeling that we have no control”
 
Eventually I read the accompanying story
A little boy fighting the night finding a way
 
Thank you Caemon for All At Once ‘twinkly lights’ and finding ways
 
Tricia 6/2013
 
(With love and gratitude to Timaree, and Jodi, for sharing their story so honestly. And to their precious son, Caemon, who died  of Leukaemia on February 5th, 2013. He was 3 years old.)
 

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on June 5, 2013, in Poems and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Dear Tricia. I found this from a comment Heidi made on Facebook. Thank you for your beautiful words, for sharing your own sorrow, for being such a lovely presence at this time in our lives. This is stunning. xo Timaree

    • Thanks so much Timaree. Your comment means a lot to me. I’m sorry that we share similar journeys, yet grateful that you are part of my life, albeit via the internet.
      Take care.
      Love Tricia

  2. Very sad yet well written.

  3. Teicia,

    Your words always touch me in very deep places for all sorts of very different reaons.

    I love honesty in writing and if it isnt there I cant see the point. Yours oozes honesty, and you still manage to squeeze the honesty out even when its extremely painful to do so.

    And every time I am taken with you through words of sorrow, there is always an immense amount of gratitude within you which I find tremendously inspiring.

    This post is very sad and has given me a bucketful of gratitude to start my day. Thank you so much for always sharing your heart and soul in saying how it is without any drama.

    Hugs to you and love xxx

    • My dear Christine,
      This poem came to me from the tenacious spirit of a precious little boy I never got to meet. He gives me strength even though he is no longer with us.
      Love and hugs my friend
      Tricia

  4. You have done it again, Tricia. Just broken me open! With raw honesty you describe the pendulum of grief in ways I’ve never previously read. I get very tongue-tied trying to tell just how much impact your poems make. I can often read “very sad things” and hold onto a bit of detachment, but not with your words. They bring an ache even to read, and that’s a tremendous writing gift, but also brings to me a powerful recognition that the grief and loss must be so very deep in order to convey emotional pain in the way you do. I hope one day you are able to widely publish your poems. I think they must bring language to others suffering grief and loss. Not everyone has the ability to share as you do, and poetry can be that bridge.

    And as for the loss of little Caemon–to lose a little child, any child…any parent hurts with another parent here. Hugs, my friend. You’re amazing.

    • My dear Debra,
      Your words are a precious gift to me.
      The thing that gives my life a sense of meaning and purpose is the hope that my words reach out and touch others. I don’t want to make people sad, and yet I do want the reality of mortality and grief to be acknowledged and accepted. Your words give me a sense that, in some small way, I’m accomplishing this.
      In his short life Caemon touched people all over the world. He still helps me through the tough times. His mothers are two very special women who are working towards raising awareness and facilitating research into JMML, the rare form of leukaemia that ended his life.
      I don’t know why these things happen, yet I believe when they do we must do our best to go forward rather than go under. And I do know how hard this can be. I sometimes teeter totter between the two.
      Hugs to you too my friend.
      Tricia

  5. Beautiful. Thankyou for sharing it (and for writing it).

    Nathan

  6. ► 4:04► 4:04
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7ERQlRj9YA
    Jan 7, 2008 – Uploaded by koentjek
    Jack Johnson! The first song for the new album Sleep Through the Static called All at Once.
    This is the link to the Jack Johnson song.

  7. Reblogged this on Writing the roads of grief and commented:

    I’ve decided to reblog this poem because it was inspired by cisforcrocodile.wordpress.com/ i’m getting a lot of visitors today as a result of this wonderful blog and I want to share just an inkling of what this blog, Timaree, Jodi and precious Caemon, bring to my life.

  8. Beautiful words Tricia, thankyou for resharing and bringing them to my attention.

    • Dear Peter, for me this poem speaks not just of grief and sorrow, but the life giving effects of sharing our stories. I never met little Caemon, but his strength and wisdom are forever embedded in the fabric of my being. I’m grateful every day that his mothers have the courage and generosity of spirit, to share the story of their precious family. You too open your heart and share the depth of yourself, and in doing so you help me to go on. Sometimes your words inspire me to write when I think I’ve no more words in me.
      Thank you my friend
      Hugs
      Tricia xx

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