Christmas in Tricia Town


Christmas in Tricia Town

I began to think 

This year it would be easier
My grief is a gentler thing
I’ve lived the lessons of loss
Maybe I’m ready to rejoin the joy 
I experienced the almost forgotten pull
Of the ‘before’ Christmases 
Wandering around a big shopping centre
Singing loudly along with Christmas songs
That many loathed
But I delighted in
Selecting gifts for those I love
Even though the two most important people in my life
No longer have need of gifts
Nor the food I lovingly prepared for them
There’ll be no one sneaking the pork crackling
As soon as my back is turned
The tears began to trickle
As I realised
There’ll be no pork with crunchy crackling in my home
No dried apricot and sage stuffed turkey
No roast potatoes soft on the inside
Crisp and crunchy on the outside
My shopping centre wandering days are done
Many days I don’t make it up the driveway to the letter box
Some days my body struggles to toss a simple salad
It’s time to accept
My christmas cooking days are done
As I slowly come to terms
With my increasing limitations
I’m learning death doesn’t own grief
It appears loss has more lessons for me
When it gets too tough 
I wander via the keyboard of my iPad
And browse the snippets on YouTube
Today it’s the outrageous Eric Idle 
Who brings a little joy to my world
With his wonderful song 
Fuck Christmas
If you want to hear the song
That made this sad woman smile
Just wander over to You Tube
But if the title offends you
Maybe Christmas in Tricia Town 
Isn’t for you.
Tricia 12/12

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on December 20, 2012, in Poems and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. This can be a sad time of year for many. Our thoughts are with you.

  2. Thanks Joe. Writing it out helps me cope.
    A couple of questions – Did the link work? And if so do you think it’s too rude for the blog?

  3. I adore you, I adore it when you swear, and I adore that I’ll get to tell you this in person (including a million hugs) very very soon xoxo

  4. Thank you darling. I’m so very excited. I keep telling Big Ted how many sleeps.
    A fellow blogger from The Age calls me potty paws, I love it.

  5. Laughing and crying all at the same time Tricia
    “death doesn’t own grief” – how true this is for me too. This year I am unable to do so much less than last year. I am so very sad simply because this is the first time in 30 odd years I have not made a christmas cake and decorated it with lots of lovely silly things. Not a big deal some may think but this fact stands for much more than an unmade cake, and I have to do what you do and browse my IPad. I am now going on to You Tube go listen to Eic Idle. I think he is just what I need right now.

    What I don’t need right now is to ask myself the question, which I so often do, “what is going to become of me and how am I going to end up?” So Eric, here I come!!

    Much live and

    Christine xxx

    • My dear Christine,
      Your words mean so much to me. I’m so sorry that you must live with a debilitating illness, but I’m grateful that we can share a little of our journey.
      With so much love
      Tricia xoxoxo

  6. Hi Tricia,

    I actually came away from this smiling.
    “Fuck it!” has been such a motivating phrase for me over the years – whatever the it might have been at the time!!

    I have just been to the supermarket and thank goodness I don’t have to do that again before Christmas. The mayhem has already begun!!!

    Take care of yourself


    • Lovely to hear from you David.
      When my son was a babe my mother once said “The first word that child will say won’t be mum or dad, it will be shit.” My husband put his arm around me and whispered in my ear “Thank goodness she doesn’t realise it will probably be fuck.”
      Take care

  7. The video didn’t work too well, but I think there were some restrictions on it! LOL! Maybe someone thought I needed a more “PG” rating. The language doesn’t bother me at all, Tricia. Especially within in the context of what you’ve shared, I can easily slip into knowing that Tricia Town at Christmas has to be a very mixed pull on your emotions, and at the end of the day, “Fuck it” is a very excellent coping tool! 🙂 And I read your question to Joel about whether it was too rude for your blog. I would say please continue to keep it real! It wasn’t rude at all. It fits precisely where you’re coming from. The funny thing about it is that I so often want to grieve right along with you for what you’ve lost, what you continue to go through in terms of your health, and then at the end of that, sometimes there just aren’t any words to say that would be a bit of comfort! Just picturing Eric Idle and the words of this song makes me laugh, too. We can share that bit of humor! oxo

    • Debra your difficulty accessing the video link was probably my mother from the great beyond still trying to stop me being bold. I’m afraid I’m a lost cause in that department.
      I love that we can share a laugh via the wonder of the internet. Black humour helps me to keep going on the tough days and just have some fun on the good days.
      Take care

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