Conversation With Ken

August 23rd was the anniversary of my son’s death. I wrote the following poem 6 months after he died. I wanted to post it on the anniversary but for various reasons was unable to.

Conversation With Ken

Is it just in my mind that you are near
Why do I experience this strange absence of fear
Did I fear for you in your suffering state
Or myself in my inability to hold back fate
I was powerless then I’m powerless now
Wanting to conjure up your presence not knowing how
Not yet ready to say goodbye needing still to hold on
How can I live in this world if I accept you have gone
I sit and watch the ocean just outside the door
Mesmerised by waves crashing onto the shore
I see joy in a wagtail dancing on the balcony
As I ache with the emptiness of what can never be
Always struggling to accept things I don’t understand
Longing to feel you once more holding my hand
To see you squatting before me offering comfort and care
But I can’t see you or touch you because you’re no longer there
For nine months I carried you inside my womb
Felt you rolling and kicking inside your cocoon
The pain I experienced as I laboured to birth
Just a pinprick in comparison with your leaving this earth
Children bury their parents – this is nature’s way
Yet it is you who have gone and I who must stay
Your death is a question no answer can I find
I strive to reconstruct the shattered fragments of my mind
I watched the sunrise this morning wished you were watching too
Felt a momentary peace – a peace life denied you
I’m tired time to rest I’ll commune again soon
For I now carry you in my heart as I once carried you in my womb

Tricia 2/2000

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on September 22, 2012, in Poems and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Tricia,

    this has to be one of the most beautiful pieces of poetry I have ever read.

    I can feel your sorrow and yet how can I feel it?

    I am sorry, all other words escape me.

    With much love

    Christine xx

  2. I can imagine this will have been difficult to write. I have no useful words other than to send you warmth and salute your courage. x

  3. I agree with others. The words are breathtaking, and the circumstances even more so. I so earnestly send you love for a peaceful time of remembrance. I truly cannot imagine. oxox Debra

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