In Australia it is lunch time on Christmas day. When I wrote the following I had no idea that 2 years later my darling husband would also be dead. I have chosen to spend today alone, remembering two wonderful men, and the loving impact they had on my life. This may seem a maudlin post for this day of celebration, but it is my truth and the truth of many others.

(i’ve just realised I put the wrong intro. with this poem. It was in fact written 7 years before my husband’s death in July, 2009)


My darling Son
It is almost four Christmas’s that I have lived through without you
I thought it was getting easier – I seemed to be able to try harder
It is not for myself I try – it is for others
Those who seem unable to understand what your death has done to me
Some who don’t understand still seem able to accept me as I am each day
Others seem to take personally my inability to celebrate what were previously “special days”
In kindness towards them I try to believe they struggle to cope
With the sad reality of your loss and the ongoing pain your Dad and I suffer
They seem to think I should be able to be part of their joy
Some seem unable to comprehend, for the bereaved this can be an incredibly painful time
I am emotionally and physically unable to force my pain to take second place to the needs of others
I can socialise at other times of the year but at Christmas – Easter – Mother’s Day – Father’s Day
My joyful memories of times past
Cut into the depths of my being and I weep to survive
I have no idea how long this sorrow will last – no one does
We all grieve differently and the loss of an only child is beyond the norm
Parents are not meant to outlive their children
It is not part of the natural order
I find it easier to spend time with those who accept me as I am now
They refrain from trying to “cheer me up”
Accepting my tears and laughter as they come
Knowing on some inner level that my life will never be quite the same
These people are the ones who enable me to keep going
I am thankful for their presence in my life
Because of these special people my life is still
A work in progress
TRICIA   12/2002

About triciabertram

I have written all my life. Writing helps me to make sense of a world I often don’t understand. Poetry is my supreme solace, closely followed by literature and music. When my son ended his life in 1999 I embarked on the most difficult journey of my life, my grief journey. To survive in this unknown, harsh landscape I had to write. It was for me, the only way I could even begin to move forward. Then in 2009 my darling husband died suddenly and so my journey continues. I write about other issues but because of my life experience, grief and death are continuing themes in my writing life. In our culture I believe there is a fear of death, an inability to accept the inevitability of our mortality, and this creates enormous difficulties for the bereaved and those around them. I have begun this blog in the hope I will create a small ripple in the pond of fear that is currently drowning the reality of death and grief. I will continue to skim the stones of my truth, watch them bounce, and see how many ripples I can make.

Posted on December 25, 2011, in Poems and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. “A work in progress” – and a kindred spirit (I think I can risk using that phrase!)

    I sent you a private message on Facebook.

  2. Yes Jo we are kindred spirits. Thanks for stopping by today.

  3. I believe I understand this.

  4. Thomas I’m sorry for the suffering that has brought you understanding, yet I’m grateful for your internet presence in my life.

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